I don’t quite have the words to start this post. Last year Teddy was diagnosed with an incurable cancer. though we were given a treatment plan that would help manage his comfort and give us more time with him. The chemo treatment was so much easier than I expected it to be and Teddy tolerated it so well. Within a few rounds, he was not just back to himself, but back to how he was as a puppy. His hair grew in darker and healthier. He had so much energy. He was as happy as could be and it was just such a wonderful gift.
But we knew there would come a point where the chemo/steroid treatment couldn’t help him anymore. We actually got past the point where we were kind of told to expect the downturn so truly every single day after that felt like a bonus gift. In the beginning of January, we started to see a decline in Teddy’s energy and overall health. I did know this was coming and I was a ball of anxiety. I still have a little bit of PTSD from Hamilton’s death (which we never got answers for). Every time I looked over at him when he was sleeping, I would wait to watch his chest rise and fall to make sure he was breathing.
I think in some way, I knew that he would pass away in his sleep. I can’t explain it but I really was watching him for a week while he slept just to make sure he was okay. I actually shared on my Instagram Story that Teddy wasn’t doing so well. I still thought it would be weeks if not months before we had to say goodbye. But… that night, Mike carried him up the stairs and brought him into our bed… at some point he made his way to my legs where he usually sleeps.
I woke up that morning to the comforting feeling of Teddy draped over my legs… but he felt a little heavier than usual. And that’s when I realized he had passed. I was (frankly still am) in shock. Again, we knew this day would come but I didn’t know it would happen so soon.
Getting Teddy at age 24 was the single most impulsive decision I’ve ever made in my life– and hands down the best one I could have made. I had NO business getting a dog. I didn’t grow up with dogs and I was certainly not a dog person, but for some reason I was called to get a tiny little toy poodle. Teddy saw me through adulthood and taught me what it meant to take care of someone else. I wouldn’t be the person I am today, or the mom I am today, had it not been for Teddy. He completely shaped my adult experience and was with me through everything.
He moved from New York City to Connecticut to Hoboken and to the NJ suburbs with me. He saw me through heartbreak, finding love, pregnancies and losses, and the transition to motherhood. Loyal as ever, he rarely left my side. At home, it felt like I had a shadow. Everywhere I went, he went.
He was an old soul of a dog and at the same time a forever puppy. You could have never convinced him that he was only 10 pounds. He really did make everyone– even people who don’t love dogs– smile with his “party tricks” and constant “sploots.” Whenever I would tell someone his age, there was always a look of disbelief.. there’s no way that he isn’t a puppy! He was so youthful.
There will forever be a 10 pound fluffy hole in my heart. There is nothing quite like a girl’s first dog. I’m heartbroken but grateful that we got this special last year together and that he found peace on his own terms in the most Teddy way possible: right by my side.
Ultimately, I’m really so relieved he went so peacefully and I have peace knowing he was with me and seemed so comfortable. I know there was no pain and I hope he found comfort being by me while he passed. We all got to say goodbye to him too. I felt like the family had real closure.
I’m so devastated and I wonder how long it will be until I feel okay again. I keep looking for him and expecting to see his head pop up behind a pillow or feel him curl up next to me on the couch. (I’m also shocked at how many snack crumbs from Rory are on the ground now haha.) Going to bed at night feels so lonely without his little body pressed against me. I will miss him forever.
PS I also want to say, I highly recommend pet insurance. I know people consider it a scam but having it for both dogs let us comfortably run every test under the sun, give them the best quality treatment, and the best chance possible for the longest life. We didn’t have to hesitate for a single dose of medicine or test– regardless of cost. (And it does get extremely expensive quickly.)
PPS If you’re local, we have had the absolute most amazing service from Eclipse Emergency Vet. They were amazing for Hamilton and again throughout Teddy’s cancer treatment. I will miss the doctors and techs and front desk staff.
