Today, I’m 34. I feel so settled, which is a feeling I’ve craved my entire life. I like that I like where I am in life. At the same time as feeling settled though, this is definitely a phase of life where I feel most “out of control.” I think I have truly just decided to lean into that feeling though. I know this is just a stage and I know it won’t last forever. There is chaos, but there is also so much beauty. Somedays it feels like this is how life is always going to be, but I know we will look back on life with little toddlers and babies and pregnancy with fondness. (Also isn’t it nice how our brains have a way of smoothing over the worst parts so we only miss the good??) Just this past week, I was at the park with this freshly turned two year old toddler and I know he won’t always be this little and I won’t always be a mom of little babies and toddlers at the park. I had this vision of myself in the future driving past the same park in fifteen years missing that young mom life.
33 was an intense year. As crazy as it sounds to simultaneously describe feeling “settled” and at peace and to also feel an intensity, that is really what I’d say. I’ve leaned into the lack of control, but this past year was probably the greatest test I’ve experienced in weathering that lack of control. We exited babyhood and entered toddlerhood; my toddler dropped the morning nap, learned to walk, and weaned from breastfeeding all within a short period of time. I finally felt like myself physically and emotionally after having a baby, enough so to start trying for a second. We got pregnant and then lost the baby. It took a toll on me and my body and was a rollercoaster recovering between that and other health issues.
One of the biggest things I learned about myself throughout all of the hard stuff was how optimistic I ultimately am. I don’t really think of myself as super cheery or even overly positive person, but I think I actually am… definitely more so than I give myself credit for. I just kept looking for silver linings and seeking out tiny happy moments and…. got through it.
Then I was pregnant again and had multiple health scares (unrelated to the pregnancy)… It sounds so scary and overwhelming to even type it all out. When I really sit back and think about the past year though, it’s a good one. I see a slideshow of happy memories with a soundtrack of laughs! Jack walking right out of the room the first time he ever walked, a picture perfect Christmas morning in our home, redecorating our house and feeling truly at home, a cozy trip to Copenhagen, a spring spent playing outside, a handful of special summer trips.
In a lot of ways, I feel like a different person today. I feel more capable and more sure of myself than ever before; I’m excited to see what unfolds for 34!
